This past year, I've become increasingly disillusioned and unhappy that my only really serious talent is in computer programming. Everything else I try and excel at goes absolutely nowhere.
My studying has been off and on, but I realize that I've spent the last fifteen years of my life drawing and studying Japanese. I'm getting old, and my health is starting to fail. And yet my drawings look like something a ten year old would make, and I sound completely retarded whenever I try and say anything in Japanese. This is insane. It makes my physically ill to think about. Even if by some miracle, I mastered both of these tomorrow, half of my productive life in using these tools has been permanently lost, and I can never reclaim that time. At this rate, I won't be skilled in either before I am too old to do anything anymore. I'm going to end up dying almost entirely with regrets.
I'm so fucking tired of it all. No amount of studying or practice ever seems to lead to any meaningful improvement. These human brains, especially mine, are so unbelievably fucking terrible. Intelligent design my god damned ass. It is absolutely absurd that to memorize a single word, I have to drill on it literally thousands of times before my brain takes the fucking hint. And by the time I do it, I've pushed two other words that I used to know out. Nobody would design something so unbelievably stupid, cruel and frustrating, unless they were a sadist.
But I won't ever give up: I'm just going to have to go completely insane on it and dedicate every last free hour I have to them. Life isn't worth living if we can no longer better ourselves.
This will be probably the longest shot I've ever taken, but ... if anyone out there is fluent in Japanese (as in, not "I took a college course once and I have a Japanese girlfriend"), and is willing to chat with me about anything, I would truly appreciate that more than words could express. I'd be happy to return the favor with lessons on English, programming, emulation, reverse engineering, ROM hacking or server administration. I need someone to have actual communication with. But I know what a tall order that is: who would want to talk to someone they could barely understand, right? It drives me up the wall trying to listen to people who can't speak English, so it's only fitting that the reverse would apply to me. It's not that I choose to be annoyed by bad English, yet it's still karmic justice, right?
Still, if anyone were interested, my e-mail is the same as always. On hotmail.com, the user name is setsunakun0. Note the zero, not capital 'o'.
But ... I have to refocus my time. I can't spend it all on the billion and a half programming projects I've started. I need to start dropping projects. There is no intellectual pursuit in continuing something I've already mastered, and I simply don't have the time for it if I want to seriously study other things.
I'm so hesitant to just outright quit on higan, but I don't want to be like the authors of the major SNES emulators who dick people along and pretend they're still active projects that just haven't had an update in 8+ years now. So at this point, I will just painfully say ... higan is dead for now, sorry. If and when I can attain some joy out of other pursuits in life, I might resume it then. But if history is any indication, I wouldn't count on it.
As for my other projects ... a lot of them are basically "complete" in a way that an emulator never can be, so there's no great loss to not receive updates to eg libco. And I'll still probably push out some new builds for bass and beat, just to get them up on the new site.
I'm still going to have to do some programming: I need to build out SRS learning tools and such. But I can no longer ask or recommend anyone to use any of my libraries such as ruby or hiro. Which is probably for the best, as I never did manage to produce anything resembling a stable API in all of my years as a programmer.
My dreams of building a programming language, GUI library (not wrapper), and forum software are going to have to die here.
Well then, off to study ...
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